Thai Pop

The pop music in Thailand is bad. Trust me, it’s even worse than in America, if you can believe that. BAD. Bad with a capital B, and a capital A, and a capital D.

You might rightfully suggest that I’m not really qualified to make sweeping generalizations on Thai Pop music, as I have only lived here three months. But you would just be a spoilsport, and who cares what you think anyway?

Let’s just say that in those 3 months, I haven’t heard more than one song, ahem, of note. What was the song? It was an old standard called "Welcome To Thailand", which rather gently, but still quite effectively takes the piss out of all of us palefaced farangs. But this is the only Thai pop song I’ve been exposed to thus far which even hints at social commentary. Generally speaking, Thai pop songs seem to come in one of three basic styles: The Folky, The Bubblegum, and The Tearjerker.

The Folky stuff is the least offensive to these particular ears. In fact, actually I quite like some of it. Thai people call it Country, but although it often features an acoustic guitar, it ain’t no Achy Breaky Heart. The melodies are clearly Asian, and audibly more influenced by Chinese than Indian musical traditions (Thailand has absorbed much that is Indian over the centuries). It’s usually sad, plaintive stuff that sometimes unexpectedly puts one in mind of Hank Williams – not because of any melodic similarity, but because of the frank plainness of the songs.

Sometimes Thai Country music can be bouncy, even dancy – especially the music from out East in Isan province. But it rarely gets rowdy. Thais are almost never rowdy, even when completely loaded. And they like to get loaded as much as the next guy (unless, of course, the next guy happens to be me). Beer and whiskey are the nighttime beverages of choice here for men, while ladies imbibe a noxious concoction known as Spy, which tastes like Night Train laced with carbon monoxide gas. I harbor a private theory that Spy was created by the Thai government to curb intoxication in women, as it produces almost instant nausea, and results in a hangover akin to a baby elephant tap dancing on your head. But I digress.

I merely meant to convey that wild, out-of-control music is met here with blank stares of incomprehension. The propensity to go berserk just doesn’t seem to reside within the national character. Mick Jagger, Tom Waits, or Iggy Pop would be greeted in Thailand with a combination of perplexity and pity.

Thais like their music beautiful -- beautiful, or cute. Thai Bubblegum falls into this second category. It’s basically disco, but with a faster, bum-titty, bum-titty beat. Occasionally Thai Bubblegum songs will reveal a fleeting foreign Techno influence. These songs will be faster, snappier -- and even cuter, if that’s at all possible -- their beat curtailed to a far fleeter bum-tit, bum-tit, bum-tit. Imagine Madonna’s early work if it had been composed by Barney the purple dinosaur, or think Menudo on speed. Thai Bubblegum songs will invariably feature one of the 3 currently most trendy English words: "sexy," "naughty," and "cheeky" -- and sometimes all all of them, if you’re lucky.

Thai Bubblegum songs are about sex, for people too young to engage in coital union just yet -- which in Thailand is just about anyone under the age of 30 who bears the embarrassing stigma of being still unmarried. Despite its reputation as the sex capitol of the world, Thailand is actually quite conservative. Teenage girls may parade about in skin-tight jeans, proudly sporting an "I’m A Playboy Centerfold" T-shirt, but don’t be fooled, they have no idea what the English slogans they are endorsing actually mean. There is little premarital sex here. Women usually live with their parents until a suitable mate can be located. But, sorry, we were talking about music.

The third and most ubiquitous type of Thai Pop song is The Tearjerker. Like its American cousin, the Power Ballad, this trash is a scourge upon your eardrums as well as your patience. Unfortunately little can be done to avoid it; it blasts from every bar, every karaoke joint, every shop and tuk-tuk and taxi. The Tearjerker appears to be manufactured under a strict set of government guidelines which are religiously adhered to: It has to be performed in a mind-numbingly dull middle tempo; musically, it can only be gratingly predictable; and it should always feature the lyrical equivalent of soap opera dialogue.

I learned this last fact in the course of my unflinching research into the subject. Me: "This song is awful! What the hell are they whining about?" Thai Person: "She has gone very far away and he is very sad." Or, alternatively, Me: "This song is complete shit! What in God’s name are they shrieking about?" Thai Person: "He has gone very far away, and she is very sad."

Variations on this theme include: He Has Gone Very Far Away And He Wrote Me To Tell Me He Is Now Banging His Secretary, The Bastard – AND: She Left Our Farm And Moved To Bangkok To Work At The Motorcycle Parts Factory So I Have Been Engaging In Sexual Congress With The Water Buffalo. Alright, so I made the last few up. But you get the idea.

While I can’t claim to actually understand the lyrics, these songs always sound strikingly like some miserable Thai waiter yowling the contents of a menu: "Why don’t you tryyyyy my Phad Thaiiiiiiii? I think you shoooould, it’s really gooooood!" Musically, The Tearjerker is much like the unpleasant musical wallpaper to be found anywhere in the world; it’s everywhere you go, and difficult to block out. Every Thai secretly loves this dreck, as you will soon discover if you ever go to a karaoke bar with one. I suppose there are plenty of people in America with a taste for audio excrement such as Kenny G and Guns ’n’ Roses, but I pity these rubes and do not count myself among them.